The Best of Times, The Worst of Times

To borrow a phrase from Charles Dickens, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." How often this is true still amazes me. This is the challenge that life brings us on a daily basis. It is the challenge to find the good in the bad. If we can remember that every "challenge" every "problem" has wrapped within it some pearl of wisdom, some ray of light we can make it through those trying times with our sanity and even happiness in tact.
I have had a very challenging week. I have also had amazing opportunities arise from those challenges. We can't ever really know just how fortunate a situation we are experiencing until we look back on it. I'm sure you've had the experience of thinking back to something that might have seemed like it was bad or inconvenient or even a full blown "crises" at the time that turned out to be exactly what you really needed to move forward.
So here is my "pearl of wisdom" for you: always remember that there is a way through what you are dealing with. Your answers or solutions might not always be crystal clear to you immediately, but they always exist - you just have to allow yourself to run into them. Repeat to yourself, "I am going through this right now, and through this I will go!" In other words, yes you are having a particular challenge but this too shall pass!

Baby Steps - Step 5 Higher ground

Okay now that you are smiling at everyone (you are right?), now it's time to understand how that effects your partner. You may not realize it, but you can become a buoy for your partner and vice versa. There is a reason why "for better or worse" is in the traditional wedding vows. This is true even if you are not married though. It can be true in a business partnership, a friendship or even parenthood.

Sometimes your partner will suffer through a bad day. Even people that are happy 99 percent of the time still have their moments! Yesterday was my birthday. I had cleared my afternoon so that I could have some great "me" time. Unfortunately, I had a situation arise that interfered with these plans. I felt myself slip into a grumpy mood for a moment as I contemplated cancelling all my plans and just dealing with the interruption. Then my sweetheart grabbed me by the hand and said "I've got your back. Don't let this spoil your fun. Let's find a way to work around it." Do you know in that brief statement he managed to put things instantly into perspective for me?

Of course he was right. We worked out a solution together, my plans had to change a bit, but I still ended up finding a way to enjoy the day surrounded by love and laughter. He offered me a boost up and I accepted. This is so powerful. Try it the next time you are dealing with a "crises". Remember that in retrospect those "crises" moments will only look like a tiny blip. Most of all you need to realize that if you are on the higher ground emotionally you need to offer your hand, and if you aren't you need to accept the hand that is given.

Baby Steps - Step 4 Reaching Out

On my average day I speak with between 100 and 300 people. Whew! That can be tiring. It can also be very exhilarating because you really never know who you'll meet. You may meet the exact right person that has a piece of whatever puzzle you're currently trying to solve.

So how do you, when you are rushed, stressed or distracted still manage to reach out and connect with someone? You're going to laugh when you hear how simple it is! Smile. Smiles are wonderful tools and they are absolutely contagious. The very best part about a smile is that it costs you absolutely nothing to give away and it pays you back in tremendous dividends.

So tomorrow morning when you start your day the very first thing you can do to get started on a successful day is smile. Start with the mirror (because you deserve a smile too) and then move on to your partner, your kids, your co-workers, your customers.... and the list goes on. Smile at EVERYONE and then try to have a bad day - guess what? You'll find that you won't be able to have a bad day after that.

Baby Step 3 - Thank you!

How many times have you heard your friends, or yourself, complaining about how your partner or family takes them for granted? I know you've thought it at some point. Remember how that made you feel? Yuck, right?
So here is the next step for you and it is really simple: say thank you. Yep, easy right? But so often we forget to express that. We remember to thank the cashier in the grocery store or the kid serving us fries at McDonalds, but we forget to thank the people we hold most dear.
So here is your assignment (should you choose to accept it...). Go to that person today - right now - and tell them "thank you". They'll probably ask you "what for?". They may even suspect that you're up to something if they haven't heard this from you in a while!
Your answer to this question is simple too. The answer is "Thank you for being you. Thank you for your love and support. Thank you for sharing my day, my life. Just thank you!"
You're going to have a wonderful sensation of joy, love and peace when you express this. You'll see!

Baby Steps - Step 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_mBLWpdwnI I posted this link because it made me laugh. I think laughter is so key to happiness. I realize we tend to laugh when we are happy anyway, but it is like fuel for the fire - the more we laugh, the better we feel.

Have you ever noticed how you feel after a great belly laugh? You are relaxed, you are smiling and you may have even released some tears. It's a wonderful feeling.
There is a great scene in Mary Poppins (yes my daughter forces me to watch it over and over again!) where they go for a tea party on the ceiling. The song they sing is called "I Love to Laugh". As the characters laugh they raise higher and higher in the air. The same theme is repeated in Peter Pan - to fly you must think happy thoughts!

So here is the next step: find a way to laugh with your loved ones and/or partner. It is a great bonding experience and a wonderful way to exorcise stress. Even if you have to resort to tickling each other!

I can't begin to tell you how much it delights me to hear my sweetheart laugh. Especially when he's doubled over holding his stomach! It is absolutely contagious. You just can't watch someone laugh like that and not join in.

Try it today - laugh in love and love to laugh!

Baby steps - Step 1

So how do we begin to tear down these barriers that we have all built? How is it possible after years, decades of hurt and disappointment to open up again? I wish I could say that it was easy!



It is hard work, but just like learning a new musical instrument, we get more skilled in time. It is like baby steps. Often we try and we fall on our face. I have never seen a baby give up when they are learning to walk. They get mad and they'll let you know that they aren't happy about falling down, but they get back up and keep trying. Why should we let go of that as adults?



I have found that the very first step that I had to take to let love in was to offer an non-judgmental attitude. When I talk with my sweetheart I offer him a place to discuss openly. What I mean is this - I do not only wait to speak, I actually listen. I do not wait to make my point, I listen to his point of view and ask questions to make sure I understand. So often in the relationship between a man and a woman we get caught up in what we think we heard, not in what was actually expressed. I mean this is basic stuff and there are who knows how many books written on the subject, but I think repetition is the key here!



Think about it - why do people like to talk to the bartender or their hairdresser? Because they just allow you to talk without judging you or correcting you or making you feel guilty. Think of that freeing feeling when you just get something off your chest. Now imagine doing that with the person you're supposed to love the most. If that thought scares you, it is time to re-evaluate your situation.



It takes practice to have patience and allow someone to just speak. You can start with your kids or your best friend if that seems less daunting. Start with the mailman. Just start!

Tear down that wall!

I mentioned in my last post the lack of preparation on most people's part for love. I received a great quote last week: "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." - Jalal ad-Din Rumi


I really connected with this quote on several levels. When we are children we have no barriers built against love. We accept it with open arms from anyone that expresses it. I think this is one of the reasons why children are so joyful so much of the time (when they aren't in need of a nap anyway). They really love easily and are loved effortlessly.


It is in our disappointments in life that we build up these barriers, these defense mechanisms to protect ourselves. We deceive ourselves by saying that if no one gets in, if no one gets close, then no one can hurt us. What kind of life is that to live? Alone, guarded, with no real human interaction. You may as well be in solitary confinement!


I have had to break down my own barriers recently in order to let true love live in my heart. It was painful and I know that there are still a few there that are crumbling slowly. I am reaching out to others to help them break these barriers as well. We all deserve love in every form. We all benefit from heartfelt smiles and warm embraces. We all crave that on some level. We are not alone, ever.

Good times...

It is so easy to "be with" someone when times are smooth and happy and money flows easily. What happens when one of you loses your job, or gets sick or has a death in the family? Those are the times that are so trying and telling.


I bring this up because I have had several relationships that did not withstand those kinds of tests. I am now very blessed to experience unconditional love. I don't only mean that I receive it, I mean that I give it.


Unconditional love is totally freeing. It is the rare gift that not only benefits the person receiving it, but the person that gives it as well. I am a mother, which of course entails lots of patience and understanding. My journey with my daughter so far has been incredibly revealing to me. I have learned how much I have to give and how easy it is to experience joy on a daily basis.


I am also blessed with the "love of my life". That has been amazing as well. In the past year we have gone through major earth shaking changes and have managed to only grow closer together and stronger. I am actually grateful for these tests because I now have unwavering faith in "us". This is how we are told love and marriage should be, but so few of us truly experience it. I think that is largely due to our lack of preparation. I think I will save that topic for the next entry...

Why not?

Why is inertia so hard to fight? It seems that once you are moving (or not moving) it is very difficult to change that momentum. I have been struck dumb (seriously) by laryngitis this week and it has really caused me to slow down. I guess my body finally gave in to the multiple handshakes and hugs and let's not even think about the walking germ bus that is my beloved three year old.
But this slow down has given me the opportunity to reflect, read and listen. I just finished listening to "The Greatest Salesman in the World" by Og Mandino. Whew was that good! Even if you are not technically in "sales" there is a wealth of motivation in this book. In fact he even addressed the problem of overcoming anxiety, depression and lack of motivation.
I know so many of us have been effected by our changing economy. Guess what? It's going to change again, and again, and again... It is up to us to ask ourselves "why not?". When you get that urge to try something new, something out of our comfort zone we need to shrug our shoulders and ask, "why not?!" It may seem like a risk, and honestly is is, but think of it this way: to my knowledge no one has ever won the lottery without risking the money for a ticket!
Even with these "scary" times, we will survive and many of us will even thrive because we are willing to push forward. What else are we going to do?

Useful Information

I just took two minutes out of my life to explain what an "iron maiden" is. How on earth do I know this stuff anyway? I have to admit that I have a reputation as a wealth of useless information. (But everyone wants me for their lifeline now, don't they?!) I like to tell people these things not because I like to show off (not unless there is money involved), but I genuinely love knowledge and I love to share it.
I have been brainstorming recently on what useful information I can share with the world where love and relationships are involved. If you've managed to get this far into my post, I would love your input. What do you have questions about? I have had some dismal failed relationships and some spectacularly successful ones (ongoing of course). What grain of knowledge can I share with you? Talk to me...

What's in a name?

Last night I was complimented again on the title of my blog "Use Your Smoot". (Thanks John!) That got me thinking. (yes it does happen on rare occasion) How much of our outlook on life is influenced by our name? I mean if you grew up hating your name wouldn't that leak into your overall self confidence?
I love my name and have no desire for a different one. Of course I've been called by many other names: Smooter, Norkey, Court, Cookie, Snorks, Baby...and it goes on. What if you grew up with the name "Love"? I actually had a girlfriend in High School whose last name was Love. You know what? She was a very happy girl, always.
So if you could change your name to "Love", would you be able to handle it? Just curious.

Ask...

I was missing something today. I just had an empty feeling in my chest and I couldn't quite pinpoint what it was or how I could get past it. I was doing some negative thinking (never a productive activity by the way) and asking how I could get out of that bad space. Then something wonderful happened.

I had a phone appointment with a woman who needed my help. I had agreed to give her 15 minutes of my time to share some marketing ideas for her company. We brainstormed for a bit and I gave her some directions to follow and a few resources she can tap into for free. Then we changed subjects and she told me about a concert she is giving on Friday (tomorrow) night and how she wanted to use the concert to raise funds for a girl's charity that is close to her heart. I threw out some ideas on how to do that, including a raffle for a singing telegram to be delivered by her (by the way she has a gorgeous voice). After I shared those ideas she said to me,

"Courtney you are wonderful. You answered my prayers!" Huh? I answered a prayer?
She told me that she had been praying that an idea would come to her that would allow her to raise that money in a short period of time. My words gave her that idea.

Now remember how I had that "empty" feeling before? When I heard that I had helped her, I overflowed with joy. So she answered my prayer too...

Positive Ripples

I attended a group meditation last Monday and again last night. The object of the meditation was to connect with "love" - that ultimate in human states. Not necessarily "romantic love" or "brotherly love", but universal love. It was a very interesting experience and the thing that I found most fascinating was the reaction of others in the room. I personally have had some awesome experiences with guided meditation, but some of the others were "newbies". It was so interesting to watch them overcome their previous "programming" and allow themselves to share very intimate thoughts with the others in the room.
One woman in particular shared a touching story about redemption. She had asked many years ago for a sign that she was not alone and unguided in the universe. That same day she met a new friend, who until that day was a complete stranger, that told her that she was so loved. This came to her in a very dark time and offered hope and light.
When you hear a story like this you can't help but come to the conclusion that we ALL have the power to touch someone in a positive way. Sometimes we are completely unaware of how we affect others, sometimes it's deliberate. I believe that if you are consistently kind, respectful and loving to each person you interact with you are bound to start positive ripples.
Hold a door open for a stranger today - literally or figuratively. You'll start something!

Goals

I recently read a great quote from J. C. Penny - the founder of the retail stores. "Give me a stock clerk with a goal and I will give you a person who will make history; but give me a person without a goal and I will give you a stock clerk." Wow... that really hit home for me.

This is the time of year when everyone seems to get a new lease on life and a boost in energy and inertia. I have had the incredible fortune to work with some pretty amazing people, who for some reason have believed in me even when I lost sight of my own purpose. I suppose they were put in my path to remind me to stay focused and reach for that "potential" I have been told about for many years.

So I am creating a new personal mission statement. I think one of the best ways for me to keep myself honest is to publish that statement for all the world to see. So later when you run into me out and about ask me if I'm on track! (everyone needs some pushing now and again)

So here is my personal mission as I see it today:
I will help a stranger every day. I will strive to always show kindness, love and respect to everyone I interact with. I will help guide my clients to happiness and love using my focused attention to their needs and my ability to connect people. I will share knowledge whenever possible. I will support my family financially, morally and spiritually. I will inspire others to explore their joy too.

I reconnected with an old friend a couple of weeks ago. We've known each other since sixth grade. She told me that way back then I helped her break out of her shell. She said I always told her "No regrets, go for it." Isn't it funny how your own words can come back to you years later? What a wise 13 year old I was... It's time to reconnect with that.

No regrets! Go for it 2009!

Crazy Dating Scenes

I have to tell you, in my line of work I run into some very quirky characters. As a matchmaker I need to utilize all kinds of tools to find potential matches for my clients. I recently posted a personal ad on Craig's List. What an adventure this has been!
I got one gentleman that offered all kinds of S & M gigs. (umm, no thanks), one man that sent me a picture of naked women (oookay, no idea why) and the best one was a man that offered to become my "ho". Yep, he's apparently for hire - Deuce Bigalow step aside.
So if you are currently single (and actively dating) hats off to you brave people! I know my clients are pretty happy about using me as a "filter"!
That being said, there are also a lot of sincere, loving people out there still looking for a great person to settle down with. I think as long as humans exist we will crave that special connection with another human. I am incredibly grateful for my wonderful man and I love to witness (and facilitate) that in other couples. Love rocks!