Baby steps - Step 1

So how do we begin to tear down these barriers that we have all built? How is it possible after years, decades of hurt and disappointment to open up again? I wish I could say that it was easy!



It is hard work, but just like learning a new musical instrument, we get more skilled in time. It is like baby steps. Often we try and we fall on our face. I have never seen a baby give up when they are learning to walk. They get mad and they'll let you know that they aren't happy about falling down, but they get back up and keep trying. Why should we let go of that as adults?



I have found that the very first step that I had to take to let love in was to offer an non-judgmental attitude. When I talk with my sweetheart I offer him a place to discuss openly. What I mean is this - I do not only wait to speak, I actually listen. I do not wait to make my point, I listen to his point of view and ask questions to make sure I understand. So often in the relationship between a man and a woman we get caught up in what we think we heard, not in what was actually expressed. I mean this is basic stuff and there are who knows how many books written on the subject, but I think repetition is the key here!



Think about it - why do people like to talk to the bartender or their hairdresser? Because they just allow you to talk without judging you or correcting you or making you feel guilty. Think of that freeing feeling when you just get something off your chest. Now imagine doing that with the person you're supposed to love the most. If that thought scares you, it is time to re-evaluate your situation.



It takes practice to have patience and allow someone to just speak. You can start with your kids or your best friend if that seems less daunting. Start with the mailman. Just start!

Tear down that wall!

I mentioned in my last post the lack of preparation on most people's part for love. I received a great quote last week: "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." - Jalal ad-Din Rumi


I really connected with this quote on several levels. When we are children we have no barriers built against love. We accept it with open arms from anyone that expresses it. I think this is one of the reasons why children are so joyful so much of the time (when they aren't in need of a nap anyway). They really love easily and are loved effortlessly.


It is in our disappointments in life that we build up these barriers, these defense mechanisms to protect ourselves. We deceive ourselves by saying that if no one gets in, if no one gets close, then no one can hurt us. What kind of life is that to live? Alone, guarded, with no real human interaction. You may as well be in solitary confinement!


I have had to break down my own barriers recently in order to let true love live in my heart. It was painful and I know that there are still a few there that are crumbling slowly. I am reaching out to others to help them break these barriers as well. We all deserve love in every form. We all benefit from heartfelt smiles and warm embraces. We all crave that on some level. We are not alone, ever.

Good times...

It is so easy to "be with" someone when times are smooth and happy and money flows easily. What happens when one of you loses your job, or gets sick or has a death in the family? Those are the times that are so trying and telling.


I bring this up because I have had several relationships that did not withstand those kinds of tests. I am now very blessed to experience unconditional love. I don't only mean that I receive it, I mean that I give it.


Unconditional love is totally freeing. It is the rare gift that not only benefits the person receiving it, but the person that gives it as well. I am a mother, which of course entails lots of patience and understanding. My journey with my daughter so far has been incredibly revealing to me. I have learned how much I have to give and how easy it is to experience joy on a daily basis.


I am also blessed with the "love of my life". That has been amazing as well. In the past year we have gone through major earth shaking changes and have managed to only grow closer together and stronger. I am actually grateful for these tests because I now have unwavering faith in "us". This is how we are told love and marriage should be, but so few of us truly experience it. I think that is largely due to our lack of preparation. I think I will save that topic for the next entry...

Why not?

Why is inertia so hard to fight? It seems that once you are moving (or not moving) it is very difficult to change that momentum. I have been struck dumb (seriously) by laryngitis this week and it has really caused me to slow down. I guess my body finally gave in to the multiple handshakes and hugs and let's not even think about the walking germ bus that is my beloved three year old.
But this slow down has given me the opportunity to reflect, read and listen. I just finished listening to "The Greatest Salesman in the World" by Og Mandino. Whew was that good! Even if you are not technically in "sales" there is a wealth of motivation in this book. In fact he even addressed the problem of overcoming anxiety, depression and lack of motivation.
I know so many of us have been effected by our changing economy. Guess what? It's going to change again, and again, and again... It is up to us to ask ourselves "why not?". When you get that urge to try something new, something out of our comfort zone we need to shrug our shoulders and ask, "why not?!" It may seem like a risk, and honestly is is, but think of it this way: to my knowledge no one has ever won the lottery without risking the money for a ticket!
Even with these "scary" times, we will survive and many of us will even thrive because we are willing to push forward. What else are we going to do?

Useful Information

I just took two minutes out of my life to explain what an "iron maiden" is. How on earth do I know this stuff anyway? I have to admit that I have a reputation as a wealth of useless information. (But everyone wants me for their lifeline now, don't they?!) I like to tell people these things not because I like to show off (not unless there is money involved), but I genuinely love knowledge and I love to share it.
I have been brainstorming recently on what useful information I can share with the world where love and relationships are involved. If you've managed to get this far into my post, I would love your input. What do you have questions about? I have had some dismal failed relationships and some spectacularly successful ones (ongoing of course). What grain of knowledge can I share with you? Talk to me...

What's in a name?

Last night I was complimented again on the title of my blog "Use Your Smoot". (Thanks John!) That got me thinking. (yes it does happen on rare occasion) How much of our outlook on life is influenced by our name? I mean if you grew up hating your name wouldn't that leak into your overall self confidence?
I love my name and have no desire for a different one. Of course I've been called by many other names: Smooter, Norkey, Court, Cookie, Snorks, Baby...and it goes on. What if you grew up with the name "Love"? I actually had a girlfriend in High School whose last name was Love. You know what? She was a very happy girl, always.
So if you could change your name to "Love", would you be able to handle it? Just curious.